Greatest American Hero/Dukes of Hazzard
by G0ODOLBOY
Summary: Ralph and Bill are sent to Hazzard on Carlisle's order that Bill snuff out all the illegal moonshining. Instead, they end up taking on a gun smuggling ring with the help of the Dukes.


The Greatest Hazzardian Hero  
  
  
(Opening shot of a tan sedan driving along the back roads approaching Hazzard.)   
BALLADEER: Now, friends and neighbors, if you're lookin' for a slow ride, then y'all best look elsewhere. Cause this one's gonna move fast right from the get-go.  
(Switch to a view of the car's enterior. We see Bill Maxwell driving, with Ralph Hinkley in the passenger's seat)  
BALLADEER: Now, the man behind the wheel is Bill Maxwell. He's a special agent for the FBI, outta California. The feds out there figured that, with his recent record, he was the best for the job of commin' down south and sniffin' out all the illegal moonshinin' bein' done. Which, ya know, is gonna mean trouble for the Dukes. I told this one was gonna move fast.  
(switch to a close-up shot of Ralph. The top button of his shirt is undone, revealing the suit's cape underneath.)  
BALLADEER: That blonde feller is Ralph Hinkley. He's a school teacher from the same part of California as the G-man. They've known each other about two years, now. The way they met is miiiight longer story than we got time for. Maxwell brought Ralph along with him hopin' that he could help him get the assignment over with quicker. Now, if y'all are wonderin' how a school teacher is gonna help a fed find a bunch of moonshine stills....well, ya see that funny-lookin' scarf Ralph's got around his neck? That ain't no scarf. Wait'll y'all see what he's got on under his clothes...  
RALPH: Bill, could you explain to me just one more time, why the bureau flew you all the way down here to find a bunch of moonshine stills when the Atlanta FBI are perfectly capable of it?  
BILL: Well, Ralph, officially it's because of how much my case record has shot up ever since the little green guys gave us the magic jammies.  
RALPH: You mean me...  
BILL: What?  
RALPH: Ever since the little green guys gave ME the magic jammies. The suit only works on me, Bill. You put it on, it's just a gawdy halloween costume.  
BILL: A fact of which I am painfully aware, and you know how much I hate it when you bring it up....  
RALPH: So, what do you think the real reason is that they sent you down here?  
BILL: (very angrily)The real reason, Ralph, is that my boss, Carlisle, hates me and will take any and all opportunities to get me in the garbonzos when he knows I can't do anything about it!!   
RALPH: Ok, so why am I here?  
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! Think about it!! You get out there, use the suit to holograph in on all the moonshine stills, we bust the guys runnin' 'em and we go home! Simple!  
RALPH: (frustrated) That's your plan, Bill?? That's why I'm here?! You know it doesn't work that way! I can't just spontaneously hone in on something. I gotta have something to get vibes off of.  
BILL: Oh....yeah. Well....sorry, Ralph. But don't worry, kid. We'll figure out a way around that.  
RALPH: (sighs and shakes head) I should've stayed home.  
(Switch to Boss Hogg's favorite moonshine still, where he and Rosco are finishing up a batch to be sold to an out-of-town ridgerunner.)  
BALLADEER: Up in the hills, trouble was a-brewin'....literally. Boss and Rosco was just finishin' a batch of shine that Boss had gotten a dealer to pay top dollar for.  
BOSS HOGG: (laughing) Rosco, I can't believe I'm gettin' five hundred thousand semolians for one itty bitty little batch of shine.  
ROSCO: Boss, I been thinkin'....  
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, I knew I smelled somethin'...  
ROSCO: Boss, five hundred thousand dollars is an aweful lot of money for one batch of shine. What if this guy's a revenuer?  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosco. I been doin' this for forty years, ain't I? Don't ya think I know a revenuer when I see one?  
ROSCO: (making his usual noises) I hope so...  
(Scene switches to Haazard Pond, where Bo and Luke walk toward the General Lee carrying a bucket full of freshly caught trout.)  
BO: Well, looks like we caught enough trout for dinner. Don't ya think?  
LUKE: You kiddin'? This aughtta last us a couple o' nights anyway.  
BALLADEER: Bo and Luke was just finishin' up a fishin' trip to see what they could catch for supper. But, just as they was gettin' ready to go, guess who was headed down that very same road...  
(Switch back to Ralph and Bill in the tan sedan. They pass the sign that reads "WELCOME TO HAZZARD COUNTY".)  
RALPH: Hazzard County? That doesn't sound very encouraging.  
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! There's nothin' to worry about. It's probably just a little hick town occupied by a bunch of farmers in dirty overalls, with chewin' tabacco dribblin' out the sides of their mouths. I mean, did ya get a look at that sign back there? "Hazzard County"...they can't even spell it right. Come on, Ralph. Relax.   
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Bo starts the General Lee while Luke slides through the window. Bill and Ralph approach in the tan sedan)  
LUKE: Hit it...  
(We see Ralph and Bill's view of the road as the General Lee pulls out in front of them)  
RALPH: Bill, look out for that orange Charger!  
(Bill slams on the brakes, but rear-ends the General Lee. Switch to Bo and Luke reacting)  
BO: Where in the heck did that guy come from?!  
LUKE: I don't know, but that ain't exactly important right now. You alright?  
BO: Yeah, I'm fine. How bout you?  
LUKE: No damage here. Let's make sure we can say the same for the General.  
(We see a shot of both cars as Bo and Luke climb out of the General Lee and Ralph and Bill leave their car.)  
RALPH: You guys alright? We're awefully sorry about that. We didn't see you in time to slow down.  
BILL: Step aside, Ralph. I'll handle this. They're the ones that aughtta be sorry. They commited the crime, not us.  
BO: We commited the crime?? You're the dang fool that just rear-ended us!!  
LUKE: That's a fact! If anybody commited a crime around here, it's you!  
BILL: Oh, yeah? How's "Failure to indicate before entering a lane of traffic" for ya, huh?  
LUKE: "Failure to"....first of all, there ain't no lanes on the road! It's a dirt road! And second, barrin' you, we're probably the first ones on this road in about three days! So there sure as heck wasn't no traffic!  
BO: Yeah, and besides, who in the heck do you think you are to be tellin' us the law?!  
RALPH: (covering his hace with his hand) Bill, please don't badge 'em....  
BILL: (pulling his ID out of his jacket) You wanna know who? I'll tell ya who (flashes ID to Bo and Luke) Maxwell! FBI!!  
RALPH: Bill, before you sentence these boys to death row for a traffic accident, could I see you over here for a minute, please? (Ralph waves his finger toward the back of their car) Fellas, can you give me just a minute to talk to my friend, here? I think I can straighten this whole thing out.  
(Bo and Luke give no response. They both lean against the General Lee to show that they are waiting. Ralph and Bill walk to the back of their car.)  
BILL: Ralph, what are you doin' to me here? I hate it when you undermind my authority like this! You make me look like I just fell off the turnip truck!  
RALPH: Authority?! Bill, you're a federal agent, not a traffic cop! Did you ever stop to think that, instead of harrassing these boys, we might be able to get them to help us? I mean, they're obviously locals, they can probably help us out so we can get this job done faster and get home sooner. After all, this is what you want, isn't it? That's why you brought me, right?  
BILL: Yeah, and that's exactly why we don't need those two. As long as we got you and the suit, that's the only lead we need.  
(Ralph pulls his wallet out of his pocket and pulls out his credit card.)  
RALPH: You see that, Bill?  
BILL: Yeah, it's your credit card. So what? What about it?  
RALPH: There's enough in this account to buy me a plane ticket back home. And that's exactly what I'll do if you don't let me try to get those boys to help us.  
BILL: (frustrated) Ralph, come on, that's blackmail!  
RALPH: (smirking) I learned from the best.  
(Ralph walks back to Bo and Luke)  
BILL: I hate this! I really hate this!!  
RALPH: (to Bo and Luke) Boys, listen, I'm really sorry about all this. Don't worry about the accident. We'll pay for all your repairs. I apologize for my friend, back there. He doesn't do too well in small towns.  
LUKE: (smiling) Don't sweat it. (Shakes Ralph's hand) My name's Luke Duke. This here's my cousin, Bo.  
RALPH: Hi, I'm Ralph Hinkley. (scratching his head) And, well....you've met my friend, Bill.  
(Bill approaches)  
BILL: Well, Ralph, is all quiet on the western front here?  
RALPH: Bill, I'd like you to meet Bo Duke....  
BO: Howdy.  
BILL: Bo? Geez, you guys really have names like that down here, huh? Nifty.  
RALPH: ....and this is his cousin, Luke Duke.  
BILL: Oh, and yours rhymes. Ain't that cute....Ralph, can we get on with this and get outta here, please?  
RALPH: Listen, fellas, we're actually in town on very important government business. We'd really appreciate it if you could show us where to find the police commissioner. And while we're at it, I'm sure we could find time to drop your car off at a garage for repairs.  
LUKE: Shouldn't be too hard, seein' as how they're across the street from each other. We'll drop the General off at Cooter's, then we'll take ya to meet Boss Hogg.  
BILL: (mumbling) Cooter?....Boss Hogg?....(sarcastically) Boy, this place just keeps gettin' better and better...  
(Bo and Luke climb into the General Lee while Ralph and Bill get into their car)  
RALPH: Well, Bill, I hope you learned something from all this just now...  
BILL: Oh, yeah, I definitely learned somethin', Ralph. I learned that every stereotype I ever heard about these people is one hundered percent true. So, let's just drop these two country bumpkins and their little clown car off at the garage and go have a little chat with the town's head honcho. Hey, how did you know that thing was a Charger, anyway?  
RALPH: Are you kidding me? When my students aren't with me, they're in auto shop. Cars are all they ever talk about.  
BILL: Oh, yeah, your little group of caged animals...well, outta the zoo and into the jungle, huh, Ralph? ha ha...  
BALLADEER: Now, Boss didn't know it, but he was about to become a might popular. While he and Rosco were headed back to the court house, the boys was takin' Ralph and his G-man friend to see him,...  
(Scene changes to another dirt road heading toward Hazzard. We see a big black sedan moving quickly toward town. Switch to an interior shot of the car. In the back seat is a portly man with dark hair and a mustache, wearing a black, three-piece suit.)  
BALLADEER: And, on another road commin' into town, Boss's big buyer, Joe Barnes was plannin' on a little meetin' of his own....with a lot more than shine on his mind.  
DRIVER: Mr. Barnes, I don't mean to tell you how to run your business, but don't you think this plan of yours is a little risky? I mean, what if this Hogg guy figures out what we're up to?  
BARNES: Are you serious? That fat hick and his idiot sheriff don't suspect a thing.  
DRIVER: What about the feds, sir? What if they find out?  
BARNES: The feds are exactly the reason I'm doin' this, Johnson! If by any slim chance, we get caught makin' the run, the penalty for runnin' shine ain' nuthin' compared to the penalty for smugglin' guns across the boarder. Don't you worry about a thing, though. I spread enough green around to the feds in Atlanta that we shouldn't have any trouble at all. The decoy is just a little insurance, that's all.  
DRIVER: But, sir, five hundred thousand dollars for a decoy?  
BARNES: I saw Hogg's greed the second I laid eyes on him. I knew if I threw a big enough number at him, he wouldn't ask any questions. Besides, five hundred grand is peanuts compared to the millions we're gonna make off those guns!  
(Scene switches to a typical shot of Bo and Luke in the General Lee. Bo looks over at Luke, curious about the somber look on his face)  
BO: Hey, Luke, what's eatin' atcha?  
LUKE: Somethin' ain't right about Ralph and Bill.  
BO: Well, Bill ain't too much of a charmer, but Ralph seems ok to me...  
LUKE: That ain't what I'm talkin' about. You notice how quick Bill was to flash his badge in our faces?  
BO: Yeah, but all G-men love to flash their badges around like that. (smirks) Makes 'em feel important.  
LUKE: See, that's just what I mean. Bill badged us, but Ralph didn't. Matter of fact, he just said they were here on government business. He never said he was a G-man.  
BO: Well, when we get to Cooter's, we'll just ask 'em. That's all.  
LUKE: (shaking his head) Nah, that might scare 'em off. I think our best bet is just to keep an eye on 'em and see what they're up to. Cause I'll tell ya right now, they're as mismatched a pair as a fox and a hound.  
(Scene switches to Cooter's, where the General Lee and Bill and Ralph's sedan pull up)  
BALLADEER: The boys pulled up at Cooter's with Ralph and Bill in tow. Luke had some right quick thinkin' to do if he was gonna try to figure out Ralph's connection to the FBI.  
COOTER: Hey, y'all! I thought you two was fishin'. What brings ya to this neck of the woods?  
LUKE: Well, we had a little fender bender with those two guys that pulled in behind us. We brought the General over to get his rear end fixed.  
BO: Yeah, and get this, Cooter....they're a couple of G-men.  
COOTER: Ya don't say....  
LUKE: Well, one of 'em is. I ain't so sure about the other.  
(Ralph and Bill approach)  
RALPH: (shaking Cooter's hand) Hi, Ralph Hinkley. Pleasure to me you, mr....?  
COOTER: Cooter Davenport, likewise. Which one of you two's the fed?  
BILL: That would be me! (flashes his badge) Bill Maxwell, FBI!  
COOTER: Nice to meet ya, Mr. Maxwell. but you can put that badge away. Ain't nuthin' goin' on here but a little shade-tree auto repair.  
LUKE: Speakin' of which, Cooter, how long do ya think it'll take you to fix the General?  
COOTER: Well, from what I can tell, it don't look too bad. Shouldn't take me more'n an hour or so.  
RALPH: Hey, terrific. While we're waiting, do you think you boys could take us to see this Boss Hogg you were telling us about?  
BILL: Ralph, are you nuts?? I can't bring these two on official government business! If Carlisle ever found out, he'd have my badge for breakfast!!  
LUKE: Look, it don't matter anyway cause that's the county court house over there (points across the street) and that's Boss Hogg pullin' up now. (points to Boss Hogg getting out of Rosco's car)  
RALPH: Alright. Fantastic. Listen, Bill, while Cooter takes care of the damage to Bo and Luke's car, why don't you and I go over and see if Mr. Hogg and the Sheriff can give us any answers...  
(Bill gives Ralph a very serious look)  
RALPH: What's wrong?  
BILL: (his expression turn to a frustrated and beaten one) Oh, nothin'. I'm just tryin' to figure out exactly when I lost control of this whole scenerio, that's all...  
RALPH: (pretending to ponder) I figure about two years ago. (smirks and starts walking away)  
BILL: Real cute, Ralph. Just keep the jokes commin'.  
(Ralph and Bill start to cross the street to approach Boss Hogg and Rosco)  
RALPH: So, what do you think, Bill? Still think all country people are the same?  
BILL: Are you kiddin' me? I'm still tryin' to get over the fact that the mechanic has all his teeth.  
RALPH: (shaking his head) You're unbelievable, Bill. You really are.  
(switch back to Bo, Luke, and Cooter)  
BO: So, Luke, how ya figure you're gonna find out if you're right or not?  
LUKE: I ain't gonna have to. He don't know it, but Bill just told me I'm right. Y'all happen to notice that he said somebody named Carlisle would have HIS badge, not THEIRS. Which means Ralph ain't got no badge cause he ain't no fed.  
COOTER: So, ya figure maybe Maxwell ain't really a g-man?  
LUKE: Nah, his badge looked real. It's Ralph that I wanna keep an eye on. I got a feelin' there's a lot more to him than either of them has any intention of tellin' us.  
COOTER: Hey, Lukas, I can see them wheels crankin' in your head a lot more than you're lettin' on. What's on yer mind?  
LUKE: Bill's ID is from California. Now whaddaya reckon is so special about him that the FBI flew him all the way out here from L.A. instead of just sendin' someone up from Atlanta.....?  
BO: How do you figure on findin' out?  
LUKE: Should be pretty simple....seems to me, we know a lawman out that way.  
BO: Heck, yeah! Hey, let's go give him a call!  
LUKE: Cooter, you mind?  
COOTER: Be my guest. Meantime, I'm gonna get to work on the General.  
(Switch to Ralph and Bill approaching Boss Hogg and Rosco)  
BILL: Scuse us a minute, boys. We need to talk to ya. Official government business. (flashes badge) Maxwell, FBI.  
BOSS HOGG: (shaking Bill's hand, overdoing kindness) Well, how do you do, Mr. Maxwell? Pleasure to meet ya. (offers hand to Ralph) And who might you be?  
BILL: This is my partner, Ralph Hinkley.  
BOSS HOGG: (shaking Ralph's hand) How do you do, sir?  
RALPH: Just fine, tha....(Ralph pauses as he gets vibes from Boss Hogg.)  
(Ralph focuses on Boss Hogg's white shirt and sees a holograph of the moonshine still they have just come back from)  
BOSS HOGG: (confused) What are ya starin' at? I got somethin' on my shirt?  
BILL: (realizing what is happening) Uh, Ralph, you wanna stay with the program here, please? (to Boss Hogg) Sorry about the kid. We both been workin' double and triple shifts lately. He's just day dreamin'. That's all.  
RALPH: (shaking his head) Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to zone out like that.  
ROSCO: (extending his hand to Ralph) And I'm sheriff Roscoooooo P. Coltrane at your service.  
RALPH: Hi, nice to meet y...  
(Ralph pauses and gets the same holograph off Rosco. Rosco waves his hand in front of Ralph's eyes. Ralph snaps out of the holograph)  
ROSCO: Boy, you really do need sleep. (makes his noises)  
BILL: Uh, Gentlemen, why don't we meet you inside in a few minutes. I think maybe I'm gonna get my friend, here, a cup of coffee to wake him up.  
BOSS HOGG: (overdoing kindness again) Yeah, you do that. Coffee shop's right down the street.  
BILL: (hastily) Great. Spectacular. We'll see ya in a few minutes, then. Come on, Ralph.  
(Ralph and Bill leave. Boss Hogg panics and drags Rosco inside. Switch to Ralph and Bill walking)  
BILL: Alright, Ralph, I know that look when I see it. What did you see?  
RALPH: Well, Bill, if I'm right about what I saw....this isn't going to be the cakewalk we thought. When I shook hands with the commissioner, I saw a still somewhere in the woods. And when I shook the sheriff's hand, same thing.  
BILL: Ralph, there's a lot of different kinds of stills, y'know. Was it a moonshine still or somethin' else?  
RALPH: How do I know?! I've never seen a moonshine still before. I don't know what they look like.  
BILL: Alright, well, for the time being we have to assume that they're as guilty of illegal moonshinin' as anyone else around here. Boy, corrupt small-town law....does this place have ANY intention of provin' me wrong?!  
RALPH: Bill, I just had a horrible thought. I'm ashamed of myself for making this assumption because they seem so nice, but....  
BILL: But you're thinkin' those two farm boys back there could be moonshiners, too. Nuttin' to be ashamed of, Ralph. I was thinkin' the same thing and we're probably both right. We'll find out for sure when we go back to pay for their car.  
RALPH: Yeah, as much as I hate doing it, I guess I'll have to holograph off one of them and find out.  
BILL: (stopping in the road) Wait a second, Ralph...you shook hands with both of 'em back on that dirt road. Didn't you get anything like you did off of that Hogg guy and the sheriff?  
RALPH: Unfortunately, no. I didn't have my shirt sleeves rolled up like I do now. Part of the suit has to be exposed if I want to holograph off anything. I don't know why, but that's how it seems to work.  
BILL: Y'know, Ralph, as much as I hate dealin' with the little green guys, sometimes I wish we could trade the suit in for an upgraded model.  
(Switch to Boss Hogg's office inside the county court house. Boss Hogg eneters, dragging Rosco by his tie)  
ROSCO: JEE JEE!! Boss, could ya let go, please? Yer scuffin' my neck!  
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you got any idea how much trouble we're in right now??  
ROSCO: (choking) Well, right now, Boss, things are getiin' kinda dark.  
BOSS HOGG: (lets go of Rosco's tie) Oh, for heaven's sake! Rosco, if you got a brain cell in that thick skull of yours, now's the time to use it! I can't afford to have no FBI men snoopin' around when I'm in the middle of the biggest shine deal of my career!! What am I gonna do??  
ROSCO: Probably the same thing you always do...  
(Boss looks very perplexed)  
ROSCO: Make up somethin' to send them two FBI men on a wild goose chase, then find a way to pin the whole thing on the Dukes.  
BOSS HOGG: (laughing his maniacal laugh) Rosco, you're a genius! (laughs more)  
ROSCO: Ooooooohhhhhh! I appreciate that! But, Boss, could I ask for one little itty bitty favor? Could ya fill me in on the wild goose chase before the FBI men show up? I hate lookin' like a dipstick when you lie to people.  
(Ralph and Bill arrive. Bill knocks on the door)  
BILL: Anybody in there? It's Maxwell.  
BOSS HOGG: Come right on in, Mr. Maxwell.  
(Bill starts to open teh door, then notices Ralph's sleeves)  
BILL: Uh, Ralph, you wanna hide the jammies, please? I got enough problems already without havin' you tune out on me.  
(Ralph rolls his shirt sleeves down as he and Bill enter Boss Hogg's office.)  
BILL: (to Boss and Rosco) Afternoon, Boys. I don't have a lot of time, so I'll make this short and sweet. My partner and I will be conducting our investigation here in Hazzard over the next couple of days. We won't be leaving til the sitation is resolved to our personal satisfaction. I don't think I need to remind you that, as county officials, it's your obligation to assist us in any way you can. So, if either of you knows anything about illegal moonshining taking place in this town, now's the time.  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, we can help ya sniff out the illegal moonshinin' alright, but uh....howcome the FBI sent you two out here all the way from California when we got the Atlanta FBI just down the road a piece?  
BILL: Well....uh.....  
RALPH: (saving Bill) Well, Mr. Hogg...Sheriff Coltrane...unfortunately, that's classified goverment information that neither of you is cleared to know. But rest assured that we have no intention of stepping on anyone's toes. We will respect your authority in every way. (smiles politely)  
BILL: Now, you said you could help us out?  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, yes indeed, we can! (gets up and walks over to the window) Y'see those two boys over at the garage?  
RALPH: (looking out the window) Yes. That's Bo and Luke Duke. We met them earlier.  
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, they're part of the most active moonshinin' family in all of Hazzard!  
BALLADEER: Uh huh...I saw that commin', too.  
BILL: If they are and you know it, why haven't they been busted yet?  
ROSCO: He has a point, Boss.  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you hush up, please?! (to Bill) Y'see the reason they haven't been apprehended yet is because we ain't been able to catch 'em red-handed. Them Dukes are CRAFTY! You're gonna hafta sneak up on 'em!  
BILL: Alright, I've heard enough. (turns to leave) We'll keep ya posted, boys. Come on, Ralph.  
(Ralph and Bill exit)  
ROSCO: Boss, ya really think they fell for that story about the Dukes?  
BOSS HOGG: Well, how in blazes am I supposed to know that? They just left didn't they? We're gonna have to just keep an eye over at Cooter's til we see 'em take off. If they follow the Dukes. THEN we'll know!  
(Switch to Ralph and Bill exiting the court house)  
BILL: Ralph, I gotta hand it to ya, that was really quick thinkin', tellin' those two they're not cleared to know about us. Top-notch performance, kid.  
RALPH: Jee, thanks, teach. So, you think the Dukes are really a big moonshining family or are the mayor and the sheriff just playing possum?  
BILL: Playin' what??  
RALPH: Playing possum, y'know....throwing us off the trail.  
BILL: Ralph, we've only been in this town an hour and you're already talkin' like them! Don't do that to me! And roll your sleeves back up, will ya?! I don't wanna have to run this scenerio twice.  
Switch back the Cooter's, where Bo and Luke are waiting for Cooter to finish fixed the General Lee)  
BALLADEER: By now, the boys had made their call to Enos out in California to find out if Ralph and Bill really were what they said. Enos told 'em he wasn't sure what he'd be able ta find, but he promised he'd snoop around and find out all he could. Friends, ya can take the boy outta Hazzard.....  
(Ralph and Bill approach)  
RALPH: Well, boys, your car sure looks a lot better than it did an hour ago. I'm glad the damage wasn't serious.  
LUKE: Don't mention it. The General's taken harder hits than that in his time.  
BILL: Well, as much as my partner and I would love to stick around and chat with you fellas, we got important government business to take care of, like we told ya before.  
(Ralph extends his hand to shake with Luke)  
(Scene Freezes)  
BALLADEER: Now, y'all saw what happened when Ralph shook hands with Boss and Rosco. Wadda y'all reckon's gonna happen with the Dukes? Kinda makes ya wish Luke had washed his hands in the last hour, don't it....  
End Act 1  
  
(Ralph shakes hands with Luke, but only sees an image of Hazzard Pond)   
RALPH: Listen, we'd really like to thank you boys for all the help you've given us today. You've made our work a lot easier.  
LUKE: No sweat. In fact, me, Bo and our cousin Daisy and Unlce Jesse know everybody in Hazzard. Y'all need any help with whatever it is yer here for, we could probably point ya in the right direction.  
RALPH: (shakes with Bo) We certainly appreciate that, boys. We'll definitely keep it in mind.  
BILL( to Cooter) And you can send the bill out to the FBI in L.A. Send it care of Bill Maxwell and I'll take care of it when I get back.  
COOTER: (nods) You got it.  
BILL: Well, we'll see ya later, boys. We got work to do. Come on, Ralph.  
(Ralph and Bill get back in their car and pull away. Switch to an interior shot of their car)  
BILL: Alright, Ralph, what'd ya get off 'em?  
RALPH: A pond.  
BILL: A pond? You mean you saw their still near a pond?  
RALPH: Nope. No still. Just a pond. Matter of fact, it looked a lot like the one we were near when we had the accident with them.  
BILL: But, Ralph, a pond?? That doesn't do us any good! Couldn't you get anything better than that??  
RALPH: Look, I'm sorry, Bill. But I can't control what I see when I vibe off someone like that. I mean, they were probably there for a while before we got there, so they had a lot of dirt on their hands and that's what I vibed off of.  
BILL: Jee wiz, Ralph! This stinks! It really stinks!! Now we gotta tail 'em to see where they go.  
RALPH: Tail 'em, Bill? How are we supposed to tail 'em? They'd spot this car in a second!  
BILL: Who said anything about this car? We double back into town, wait til we see 'em leave the garage, then you slip outta your clothes and into the suit and it's up, up, and away. Simple.  
RALPH: Up, up, and away? Simple?? Bill, this isn't like following bad guys back home, where I know all the streets and how to get around. I mean, what if I have one of my usual crash-landings while I'm following them and they take a short cut down some side road before I can get back up in the air? What then, huh?  
BILL: Ralph, it's a bright orange car with a Confederate flag on the roof! What more do you want, a blinkin' light like a radar screen??  
RALPH: Ok, well what if I fly too low and they spot me, huh? What then? Don't you think that might spook them?  
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! If you were drivin' in a car and someone was chasin' ya, Would you be inclined to look UP?? I doubt it!  
BALLADEER: Pretty clear that boy's never been in a car chase in Hazzard, ain't it?  
(Ralph and Bill's car does a 180 degree turn in the middle of the road and heads back into town. Switch back to Cooter's garage, where Bo, Luke, and Cooter brainstorm to try to figure out how to investigate Ralph and Bill.)  
BALLADEER: Now, the boys didn't know it, but they was about to make thing a might more complicated than they needed to be. While Ralph and Bill was headed back into town to follow them, they was figurin' out a way to follow Ralph and Bill without bein' spotted.   
(Joe Barnes' black sedan pulls up in front of the court house)  
BALLADEER: And, to add one more clot to the buttermilk, Boss's big buyer was arrivin' at the court house for a little meetin' of the minds with Boss and Rosco.  
(Bo looks over from Cooter's as Joe gets out of his car)  
BO: (taps Luke on the arm) Hey, Luke, ain't that.....?  
LUKE: ....Joe Barnes. One of the biggest, baddest moonshine dealers in the south.  
(Luke sees Ralph and Bill's car pull up around the corner)  
LUKE: He ain't the only one we gotta keep an eye on (nods toward Ralph and Bill's car). We got company.  
BO: (frowning) Terrific. Which one ya figure we aughtta deal with first?  
LUKE: Simple...Ralph and Bill are only a suspiscion. One the other hand, we know Boss can't be up to no good if he's got a deal goin' with Joe Barnes. We wait 'til him and his driver go inside, then we sneak up next to Boss's window and see what we can hear.  
(switch to Ralph and Bill)  
RALPH: Hey, Bill, check out those two guys that just pulled up in front of the court house. Don't they look kind of suspiscious to you?  
BILL: (examining Barnes) Yeah....yeah, I think you're right, kid. 'Specially with the way his eyes keep dartin' up and down the street like he's makin' sure no one's watchin'. Now he's headin' into the court house. Probably got a meeting with Hogg and the sheriff. Good call on that one, kid. Well, we're gonna have to forget about tailin' those two farm boys for now. You'd better slip into the jammies and do a little disappearin' act to see what you can find out.  
(Ralph unbuttons his shirt, revealing the suit's shirt.)  
BALLADEER: Now, y'all remember when I pointed out that fancy scarf Ralph had on? Well, it turns out that scarf is a cape to go along with them fancy long johns he's got on underneath his clothes.  
(Ralph opens the car door and sticks his legs out to take his pants off)  
BALLADEER: I'll betcha, right about now, Ralph's wishin' he wasn't three miles from the only phone booth in Hazzard.  
(Ralph throws his clothes on the car seat and shuts the door behind him.)  
RALPH: Man, I hate doing this. But I'll take it over flying any day.  
BALLADEER: Now, y'all don't blink or you're gonna miss what them fancy long johns can do. Cause now ya see him.....  
(Ralph folds his hands, closes his eyes like he's concentrating, and disappears)  
BALLADEER: .....And now ya don't.  
(switch back to Bo and Luke)  
BO: Hey, Luke, that Maxwell fella's still over there, but I don't see Ralph nowhere.  
LUKE: Don't worry about that right now. They probably spotted Barnes, too. Ralph's probably lookin' for a way in from the back. Come on, they're inside. Let's see what we can find out.  
(Bo and Luke cross the street. Just as Bo steps up onto the sidewalk, Ralph walks by, invisible. Bo bumps into him and is knocked off balance.)  
LUKE: Bo, ya wanna be a litlle louder? I don't think they quite heard that inside.  
BO: (looking at the spot where he lost balance, confused) Sorry. I ain't sure what happened.....  
(switch to inside, where Joe Barnes is yelling at Boss and Rosco)  
BARNES: Listen up, Hogg! I'm not payin' you a hundred Gs for nuthin'! That batch of shine better be ready for my deadline!  
(Boss Hogg's office door appears to open be itself as Ralph enters. Everyone looks in confusion)  
BOSS HOGG: Must be a draft or somethin'. Rosco, get that, will ya....  
(Rosco shuts the door and bumps into Ralph. He looses balance just like Bo.)  
LUKE: Well, whatever you got, looks like Rosco caught it, too.  
BOSS HOGG: Ah, Mr. Barnes, as a show of good faith, would you mind lettin' me see that hundred thousand dollars you're gonna give me for all that shine?  
BARNES: ALL that shine?? I'm givin' you a hundred thousand for one lousy batch! You ain't in any position to be askin' for anything!  
BOSS HOGG: (kissing up) Well, of course, I was just commin' to that. That's my sentiments, exactly.  
BARNES: Alright, then. We'll meet you at the designated spot at noon tomorrow and we'll make the trade then.  
BOSS HOGG: (overdoing politeness) Alright. Noon tomorrow. That sounds just fine.  
(Barnes and his driver leave and close the door behind them. The door appears to open by itself again as Ralph follows them)  
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, would you shut that dang blasted door?! And find out where that draft is commin' from. I ain't got time to be dealin' with that nonsense all day.  
(Switch to Barnes and his driver in the court house hallway. Ralph is standing next to them, still invisible)  
BARNES: Alright, now you go put in a call to our buyer in Mexico. You tell him that those guns will arrive at his door at six o'clock tomorrow night. In the meantime, I'll go check on our driver and make sure everything is ready to go on that end.  
DRIVER: Yes, sir.  
(Driver exits. Barnes pauses and exits shortly behind him. Ralph exits and heads back to the car. Switch back to Bo and Luke, now back over at Cooter's.)  
COOTER: What'd y'all find out?  
BO: Well, it looks like Boss has got a pretty big shine deal goin' on.  
LUKE: A little too big, if ya ask me. Bo, doesn't a hundred thousand dollars for one batch of shine seem a little steap to you?  
COOTER: Seems a lot steap to me.  
BO: Well, I reckon if he needs the shine bad enough....  
LUKE: Come on, Bo. A big dealer like Barnes has gotta have bigger and better ridge runners than Boss to make his shine for him. And he didn't get where he is now buy shellin' out a hundred grand a pop for one batch.  
BO: Ya figure we aughtta follow 'em and see where they go?  
LUKE: Later. Right now, we were supposed to be back at the farm an hour ago. Uncle Jesse and Daisy are probably worried sick. Besides, I told Enos to call us there. I wanna be there in case he does. We'll catch ya lter, Cooter.  
(Bo and Luke climb into the General Lee)  
COOTER: Y'all take it easy, now. Holler if ya need me!  
(Switch to Bill sitting in his car, in the driver's seat. He is looking at the court house, waiting for Ralph to return. Ralph appears in the passenger's seat. Bill jumps)  
BILL: Jeez, don't do that to me!! You know how much I hate that!!  
RALPH: Bill, never mind that now. Listen, I just stumbled onto something a lot bigger than illegal moonshining in there. That guy we saw going into the court house....his name is Joe Barnes, and he's paying that J.D. Hogg a hundred thousand dollars for a batch of moonshine that he plans to use as a decoy for trasnporting guns across the boarder, into Mexico.  
BILL: Aaaaahhhh......smugglin' guns across the boarder under the disguise of a little, itty bitty booze run. Smart thinkin'. Gotta hand it to him. So, are Hogg and the sheriff in on it, too?  
RALPH: No, they really think he just wants the moonshine. But I don't get that. I mean, if someone offered me a hundred thousand dollars for a few bottles of homemade whiskey, I'd be a little suspiscious.  
BILL: That's cause you're not greedy and Hogg is. This Barnes guy is obviously no dummy. He saw Hogg's greed and knew if he threw a big enough number at him, no questions asked.  
(Bill sees Barnes and his driver get back into their car)  
BILL: And speak of the devil....alright, Ralph. Same scenerio, different target. Up, up, and away. I'll hang back here til you tell me it's safe to start followin'.  
(Ralph waits for Barnes' car to pull away, then gets out of Bill's car)  
BALLADEER: Now, y'all saw how them long johns helped Ralph pull his disappearin' act. Well, that ain't nuthin' compared to what yer about to see.  
(Ralph takes three running steps, jumps, and ascends twenty five feet into the air)  
BALLADEER: Now, y'all don't go rubbin' yer eyes or nuthin', cause you ain't imaginin' things. Ralph is really flyin'. And, friends, there ain't a string in sight.  
(switch to Cletus on speed trap duty. He is looking through binoculars for bird watching to pass the time. After a long period of seeing nothing, he throws the binoculars in the seat next to him)  
CLETUS: (frustrated) Man, even the birds got to stay in bed today while I'm stuck here on this dumb speed trap duty. (leans head out car window) Shouldn't you guys be flyin' south or somethin'??  
(Just then, he hears Ralph screaming off in the distance.)  
CLETUS: What the heck? Sounds like somebody screamin'. (confused) Sounds like it's commin' from above me, too. What's somebody caught up in a tree or somethin'?  
(Cletus grabs the binoculars from the car seat and uses them to look up around him. After scanning back and forth, east to west, he spots Ralph flying, arms and legs flailing wildly.)  
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw, would ya look at that!! I see it, but I ain't believin' it! (picks up the cb mic) This is deputy Cletus Hogg callin' Sheriff Rosco and Cousin Boss. Y'all got yer ears on? I got somethin' big to report!!  
(Switch to Boss Hogg in his office. He picks up the cb mic)  
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, unless it's a hundred thousand dollar traffic ticket, I ain't interested!  
CLETUS: Oh, I think yer gonna be plenty interested in this, Cousin Boss. You ain't gonna believe this, but I was just lookin' through my binoculars and spotted a man flyin' in long johns and a cape, just like Superman! Well, not exactly like Superman. I mean, Superman flies a whole lot better than this guy, but he's up there alright! Without any strings or wires or nuthin'!  
BOSS HOGG: Flyin' just like Superman, huh? Without no strings or nuthin'? Cletus, stop playin' with your model glue while you're on speed trap duty! Now, you better come back here with a handfull of citations, or it's commin' directly outta your paycheck! You got that?!  
CLETUS: (frustrated) Yessir, Cousin Boss. (hangs up cb mic) And I never played with my model glue. It was an accident. How the heck was I supposed to know it was toxic?  
(Switch to a shot of the Duke farm. Inside, Luke is on the phone with Enos. Bo, Uncle Jesse, and Daisy are standing around him)  
BALLADEER: By now, the boys had gotten back to the farm. And, not too soon, cause Enos was callin' Luke back with what he'd found out about Ralph and Bill.  
LUKE: (into phone) Alright, Enos. Much obliged, buddy. Yeah, I'll say hey to Daisy and everyone for ya! You got it. Take it easy. Bye.  
UNCLE JESSE: What did Enos find out, Luke?  
LUKE: Not too much, but enough. Turns out he's made some friends in the L.A. FBI and they were able to help him out. Looks like my suspiscions were right. Bill checks out, but Ralph ain't no fed. He's just listed under Bill's file as a "known associate".  
UNCLE JESSE: But why would an FBI agent bring a civilian all the way down here from L.A. on government business? Can't he get in a lot of trouble for that?  
LUKE: He sure can. But it's obviously a risk Maxwell's willin' to take. The only thing left to do is find out why.  
BO: Where do ya reckon we aughtta start?  
LUKE: We'll start with Cooter. Maybe he's been keepin' an eye on 'em.  
(Luke walks to the cb and picks up the mic)  
LUKE: This here's the Lost Sheep callin' Crazy Cooter. You got yer ears on?  
(switch to Cooter's garage. Cooter is leaning on his truck door with his cb mic in his hand)  
COOTER: Breaker 1! Breaker 1! Might be crazy but I ain't dumb! Craaaaaaazy Cooter commin' atcha! What's on yer mind, Lukas Dukas?  
LUKE: Cooter, you didn't happen to notice if Ralph and Maxwell took off anyplace, did ya?  
COOTER: Matter of fact, I did. I don't know where that Ralph fella went, but the fed was sittin' in his car talkin' into some little hand-held microphone thing, then he high-tailed it outta here.  
LUKE: Which way did he head?  
COOTER: To tell ya the truth, it looked at lot like he was headed towards y'all's place.  
BO: What in the heck would the feds want with us??  
LUKE: I don't know, but it bears lookin' into. (into cb mic) Alright, Cooter. Much obliged. We'll keep ya posted.  
COOTER: You got it. I'm down and gone.  
LUKE: Come on, Bo. I wanna cut 'em off at the pass and find out exactly what it is they're up to. (to Uncle Jesse and Daisy) We'll see y'all later.  
UNCLE JESSE: You two be careful, now.  
(switch to an abandoned barn, about a mile east of the Duke farm)  
BALLADEER: Now, the reason Maxwell looked like he was headed toward the Dukes was that Ralph was leadin' him to an aboandoned barn not too far from the farm. That's where Barnes had his delivery truck hid. Ralph did his disappearin' trick again to spy on Barnes and his henchmen.  
BARNES: Alright, is the truck ready for tomorrow?  
TRUCKER: Yes, sir. The guns are already hidden under the floor. Now we're just waitin' on that shine for the decoy.  
BARNES: And that should be here at noon tomorrow. Now remember, as soon as you get this truck loaded up with that moonshine, you head for Mexico and don't stop for anyone or anything! You got that?  
TRUCKER: Yes, sir.  
(one of the barn doors is ajar, so Ralph slips out unnoticed. He becomes visible outside and talks to Bill over the microphone)  
RALPH: Bill, are you almost here?  
(switch to Bill in his car)  
BILL: Yeah, kid, I'm on my way. I think I'm only about a mile off.  
(Ralph looses concentration as he holographs in on the General Lee. He sees an aerial view of it heading towards a creek with no bridge.)  
RALPH: They're not stopping. They're not even slowing down! They must not know the bridge is out! Bill, I'll have to meet you back here. I gotta go stop the Dukes before they crash!!  
BILL: Who's gonna crash?? What's goin' on? Ralph, come in! Jeez, I hate it when he does this.  
(switch to Bo and Luke in the General Lee)  
BO: Aw, dangit! The creek bridge is still out! I forgot about that.  
LUKE: Don't worry about it. We got a good speed goin'. The General will make it without breakin' a sweat.  
(switch to Ralph crash landing on the other side of the creek. He watches Bo and Luke get closer.)  
RALPH: How do they not see that? Why aren't they stopping?? Boys, there's no bridge!! (frustrated) What am I doing? They can't hear me.  
(switch back to Bo and Luke)  
BO: Hang on, Luke.  
(The General Lee jumps the creek. At the same time, Ralph flies toward the General, but is too late. Bo and Luke look in amazement)  
LUKE: What the heck is THAT?!  
BO: I don't know, but I can't swerve to avoid it right now!  
(Ralph covers his face with his arms and screams. Switch to a side view of Ralph about to collide with the General Lee in mid-air. Scene freezes)  
BALLADEER: Now, so far we've seen them long johns disappear and read people's minds. Y'all figure they can take a head-on collision with a car, too?  
End Act 2  
  
(Ralph collides head-on with the General Lee and plummets into the water. The General Lee lands on the other side of the creek bed and Bo slams on the brakes as fast as he can. He and Luke look back at the creek, bewildered.)  
LUKE: Any ideas what in the heck that was??  
BO: I ain't got the slightest. I mean, it was too BIG to be a bird....  
LUKE: You got that right. It was too small to be a plane, either.  
(Bo looks at Luke and smirks)  
BALLADEER: Friends, y'all might wanna block yer ears.....cause ya know it's commin'.  
BO: Ya reckon maybe it was Superman?  
LUKE: Not likely. But we best get back there and make sure it's ok, whatever it was.  
(Bo turns the General Lee around and drives to the edge of the creek bed. We see a soaking wet Ralph walking out of the water. Bo and Luke climb out of the General Lee and approach him.)  
BO: Uh, Luke....you sure about it not bein' Superman?  
LUKE: Believe it or not, cousin, I think that's Ralph.  
BO: Ralph, you alright there, partner?  
RALPH: I'm fine, guys. Thanks. How's your car?  
LUKE: The General's fine. Don't worry about it. But, listen, Ralph....how did you manage to get that high up in the air like that? You climb a tree or somethin'?  
BO: Yeah, you really aughtta be more careful than that....yer liable to get hurt pullin' a....stunt like that.  
RALPH: Look, fellas, it's alright. You don't have to pretend like you don't see me wearing this silly outfit. I know I look like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon. but believe me, I can exlpain it.  
BALLADEER: While Ralph was busy trin' to make the improbable seem logical, Bill was tryin' to find the abandoned barned he had described before he went to rescue the boys.  
(Switch to Bill driving aimlessly in his car)  
BILL: (into mic) Ralph, where are ya?? I can't find this barn anywhere. You're supposed to be talkin' me in.  
(switch to Ralph taking hic mic out of his sleeve)  
RALPH: Excuse me for a second, guys. (into mic) I'm here, Bill. Listen, I had a little accident with the Dukes. We're at a creek about a half mile from the barn.  
BILL: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful. Does this mean....?  
RALPH: Yes, Bill. They know about the suit.  
BILL: Terrific. Alright. Hang on, kid. I'm on my way.  
(switch back to Ralph, Bo, and Luke. Ralph has explained the long and short of how he got the suit.)  
BO: So, you're tryin' to tell us that....aliens gave you that fancy suit?  
RALPH: That's right. And I can tell ya that's worked to my advantage on more than one occasion.  
BO: Waddaya think, Luke?  
LUKE: Well, I gotta admit, it sounds pretty far-fetched. On the other hand, it does a whole lot to explain what a school teacher's doin' spendin' all his time with a Fed.  
(Bill pulls up in his car and approaches the group)  
BILL: Ok, boys. Show's over. Everbody have a good laugh at my partner, here? Good, cause you two have stumbled onto one of the greatest investigation tactics ever developed by the federal....  
RALPH: I told them the truth, Bill.  
BILL: ....And you told 'em the truth. Ralph, why do you do these things to me??  
RALPH: Because these boys aren't dumb, Bill, like you'd like to believe. And I thought that, maybe, if I told them the truth about the suit and what we were here for, they could help us out.  
BILL: Ralph, you know I can't bring civilians in on a federal case like this!  
RALPH: You mean like you do to me?  
LUKE: Hey, y'all, I don't mean to interrupt, but what's so hard about this case that you need our help on it?  
RALPH: I'll tell ya what, you know that guy, J.D. Hogg that runs this town? It turns out he's as big a moonshiner as anyone else in this town and he made a big deal.....  
LUKE: ....With Joe Barnes for a hundred Gs for a batch of shine. Yeah, we know all about it.  
BILL: (confused) Wait a second, how do you two know about all this?  
BO: Well, nine times outta ten, Boss tries to pin his schemes on us....  
LUKE: So we tend to keep pretty close tabs on him. We were listenin' outside his office window.  
BILL: Eavesdropping? Very illegal, boys. Especially when it involves a federal investigation.  
LUKE: Well, as long as we're on the subject of eavesdroppin', how the heck did you guys know about Boss's moonshine deal?  
RALPH: I kinda made myself a fly on the wall while he was meeting with Barnes.  
BILL: Ralph, anytime you feel like zippin' it will be just fine by me.  
RALPH: What for, Bill? They already know most of it. They might as well just know everything. (to Bo and Luke) See, flying is just one of the suit's powers. When I have it on, I'm basically invulnerable, I can run as fast as any car, and I can turn myself invisible.   
LUKE: That's why we never saw you leave your car at the court house. You turned invisible and walked in right beside Barnes and his croney.  
RALPH: That's right. Oh, and Bo...sorry to bump into you like that. But anyway, Barnes isn't interested in moonshine at all. That's just a cover-up for the guns he plans on smuggling across the boarder into Mexico.  
BO: Well don't that beat all! Boss has done some pretty shady stuff in his time, but I never thought he'd stoop to gun-runnin'!  
RALPH: And he still hasn't. He doesn't know anything about the guns. He really thinks this is the biggest moonshine deal of his life.  
LUKE: So, somebody's gotta warn him that he's about to get himself into a lot more trouble than he can handle. Trouble is, he ain't likely to listen to either of us. And you two would have an even harder time explainin' how you know anything. Seems to me, there's only one person he might even consider hearin'.  
BO: Uncle Jesse?  
LUKE: You got that right. (to Ralph and Bill) See, our Uncle Jesse used to be ridgerunnin' partners with Boss til me and Bo got busted makin' a run. In exchange for us gettin' probation instead of doin' time, he promised the federal government he's stop makin' shine. Boss Hogg, on the other hand, kept right on goin'. And, well, ya see the trouble he gets himself into.  
RALPH: What do you think, Bill? You want to go see these boys' uncle and try to get him to talk some sense into this J.D. Hogg?  
(Bill starts to walk away in defeat)  
BILL: Why Not....I doubt Carlisle would have anything to say about me turnin' a federal case over to the Hatfields and the McCoys...  
(Bill gets in his car and waits for the Ralph and the boys)  
LUKE: (to Ralph) Hey, uh....is he always like this?  
RALPH: No, not always.....sometimes, he's really irritating.  
(Switch to Boss Hogg's still, where he and Rosco are making Joe Barnes' moonshine.)  
BALLADEER: While the boys was leadin' Ralph and Bill back to the farm to see if Uncle Jesse could talk Boss outta makin' that shine deal with Joe Barnes, Boss and Rosco was already hard at work. Now, y'all gotta realize that it only takes a couple hours to make a batch of shine. So, with the deal Boss has with Barnes, he's makin' about fifty thousand dollars an hour. Friends and neighbors, if ol' Uncle Jesse can talk Boss outta that, I say we give him a crack at the national deficit.  
ROSCO: Boss, I been thinkin'....  
BOSS HOGG: Again?? Boy, that hamster must be worn to a nub by now.  
ROSCO: Listen, Boss, what are we gonna tell those two feds if they find this still and all this shine before noon tomorrow?  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosco! Can't you even keep up with your own train of thought?! I already sent 'em on a wild goose chase by tellin' 'em that the Dukes was the biggest ridgerunnin' family in the entire county. Now, if by any strange chance, they do happen to stumble onto this here still, we just tell 'em that it belongs to the Dukes (Holds up a jug of moonshine) and we caught 'em red-handed! (laughs)  
ROSCO: Oooohhhh....I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!!  
(Switch to General Lee, followed by Ralph and Bill's tan sedan approaching the Duke farm)  
BALLADEER: The boys was just gettin' back to the farm with Ralph and Bill. (we see Ralph buttoning his shirt) And Ralph was gettin' back into his normal clothes. Kinda makes ya wonder how Superman ever did it so quick in a phone booth, don't it...  
(Bill sits in his seat, hands clutching the steerign wheel, staring at Uncle Jesse and Daisy as Bo and Luke approach them and start explaining the problem.)  
RALPH: What's worng, Bill?  
BILL: (gritting his teeth) Nuthin'. Nuthin' at all. I'm just watchin' the ins and outs of a federcal case bein' explained to Uncle Jed and Ellie May, that's all.  
(Ralph and Bill leave their car and approach the Dukes)  
LUKE: Unlce Jesse and Daisy, I'd like ya to meet Ralph Hinkley....  
(Ralph shakes hands with Uncle Jesse and Daisy)  
LUKE: And Bill Maxwell.  
BILL: (shaking hands with Uncle Jesse and Daisy) Hi. Maxwell, FBI Los Angeles.  
UNCLE JESSE: Los Angeles?? Luke, has this got anything to do with that call you got from Enos earlier?  
LUKE: Well, sorta, but I ain't got time to explain all that to ya right now. Boss has got a big moonshine deal goin' with Joe Barnes...  
UNCLE JESSE: JOE BARNES?? Has he lost his mind?! I swear, that J.D.'d make shine for Atilla the Hun if the price was high enough!  
BO: See, that's just the problem, Uncle Jesse. Barnes ain't interested in shine at all.  
LUKE: That's right. The shine is just a decoy so Barnes can smuggle guns across the boarder into Mexico.  
DAISY: Oh, come on, Luke. Boss is greedy, but he'd never have nuthin' to do with anything like that.  
UNCLE JESSE: Daisy's right, Luke. J.D. is crooked, but he ain't THAT crooked.  
LUKE: But Boss don't know nuthin' about the guns. He really thinks he's gettin' a hundred thousand dollars for a batch of shine.  
BO: That's right. Luke and me was gonna go talk to him ourselves....  
LUKE: But we figured the odds of him listenin' to either of us was pretty slim.  
RALPH: Right, so the boys thought that maybe, since you're his ex-partner, Mr. Duke, he'd listen to you.  
LUKE: Actually, Ralph, I did a little thinkin' about that on the ride over here. If we stop Boss Hogg from sellin' his shine to Barnes, Barnes'll just find somebody else. We gotta let 'em make the deal, them we get Barnes for the guns AND the shine.  
BILL: Much as I hate to admit it, you got a point there, slick. Come on, Ralph. There's plenty of time between now and noon tomorrow to come up with a plan of attack. Listen, boys, thanks for all your help. We'll take it from here.  
LUKE: Listen, Bill, me and Bo...we know how Boss and Rosco think. We're pretty good at figurin' out their next move. Why don't you let us come along and help ya out?  
BILL: Sorry, boys, no can do. I can't bring civilians in on a federal bust.  
BO: No civilians?? Now, hold on just a second! What about....  
LUKE: (holding Bo back) Bo, there ain't no use agruin' with him. You heard what he said. Now, come on. We gave 'em all the help we could. It's their show now. (shakes hands with Ralph and Bill) Glad we could help ya out. Listen, we always have our CBs on and tuned to channel 19. Don't be shy. Y'all holler if ya need us.  
RALPH: Thank you very much, boys. We'll be sure to keep that in mind. (shakes hands with Unlce Jesse and Daisy) Nice meeting you, Mr. Duke...Miss Duke.  
BALLADEER: If y'all are wonderin' why Luke gave in so easy, he and Bo had promised Ralph and Bill that they wouldn't tell nobody about their secret. And that included Uncle Jesse and Daisy. So, when the arguement came up, he had no choice but to concede.  
UNCLE JESSE: Well, now that that's all settled, did you boys catch anything for supper?  
LUKE: We sure did, Uncle Jesse. We'll take 'em inside now and start cleanin' 'em up.  
UNCLE JESSE: You do that. Meantime, Daisy and me got chores to do.  
(Luke takes the fish out of the General's trunk and he and Bo head into the house)  
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, do you get the feelin' there's somethin' the boys ain't tellin' us about those two fellas?  
UNCLE JESSE: Yeah, I do. But I also know them two ain't never kept nuthin from us without havin' a good reason. I'm sure this time ain't no different. When the time eventually comes that they can tell us about it, they will.  
(switch to Bo and Luke entering the house)  
BO: Luke, I don't get it. I ain't never known you to give in so fast like that.  
LUKE: Bo, I had to give in. A promise is a promise. We swore to Ralph and Bill that we wouldn't tell no one about that suit of theirs. And, much as I don't like it, that includes Uncle Jesse and Daisy. But don't worry. I already got a plan in mind for tomorrow.  
BO: Oh, yeah? What're we gonna do?  
LUKE: Simple. A little bit before noon, we go hide up in the hills near Boss's still. That way, if they get themselves into any kind of trouble, we'll be there to bail 'em out.  
BO: What kind of trouble could they get in that Ralph and his fancy suit can't get 'em outta?  
LUKE: I'll tell ya what...now, we seen that suit turn invisible and fly. But what we ain't seen it do is dodge a bullet.  
(Switch to Ralph and Bill in their car)  
BILL: Ok, kid, here's the scenerio I got worked out for tomorrow. At about a quarter to noon, you're gonna head up to Hogg's still incognito....  
RALPH: you mean invisible?  
BILL: Same thing. Tomato, tomahto. And then, once the deal goes down and you know the time is right...WHAM-O! You make your presence known, throw the bad guys around a little if necessary, I come in and make the bust, and we take 'em away for a nice extended visit to the federal pen.  
RALPH: I think we should keep an eye out for the Dukes while we're up there.  
BILL: What for? We told 'em we didn't need 'em anymore. They're out of the picture.  
RALPH: (shakes head) I don't think so. (turns to face Bill) Even though there's obviously no love lost between them, the Commissioner, and the sheriff, I think they're genuinely concerned for their safety.  
BILL: (very skeptically) Don't be ridiculous. They're enemies. Haven't you picked up on that by now? And enemies don't help each other, EVER!  
RALPH: What about you and Tony Billacona? There's never been any love lost between you two, yet every time he's needed help, you've given it to him.  
BILL: That's different, Ralph. Every time that kid gets into trouble, he comes runnin' to you, you come runnin' to me, and you threaten to hang the suit up and hang me to dry right beside it if I don't help.  
RALPH: Well, at any rate, I still think we should keep an eye out for the Dukes.  
BILL: Fine. How hard could it be, anyway? They'll probably be drivin' that clown car of theirs.  
(Switch to a road near Boss Hogg's still at 11:45 the next day. The General Lee approaches, pulls over, and Bo and Luke climb out)  
BALLADEER: The next day, things started happenin' fast. Bo and Luke was headin' up to their hidin' spot just above Boss's still.   
(Switch to the other end of the road, where Ralph and Bill pull up in their car and Ralph changes out of his normal clothes.)  
BALLADEER: And, at the same time, Ralph and Bill had shown up and Ralph was gettin' ready to take to the air.  
BILL: Alright, kid, do just like we planned. Get up there and as soon as you think they'll be able to see ya, pop out. And don't pop back in til the deal is done.  
(Ralph take three steps, jumps, and is airborn. Switch to Bo and Luke hiding behind a rock, watching Boss Hogg and Rosco)  
BO: There's Boss and Rosco gettin' everything ready for the deal with Barnes.  
(Luke looks off into the distance, to the left)  
LUKE: They ain't the only ones gettin' ready for Barnes...take a look.  
(The boys watch Ralph flying towards them, his arms and legs flailing once again)  
BO: (chuckling) Ya'd think the aliens that gave Ralph that suit woulda gave him some kind of instructions on how to fly and stuff like that.  
LUKE: (shrugs) Who knows, maybe they did and he lost them. But that ain't important right now. We're up here to watch Boss and Rosco.  
(We see the still from Bo and Luke's point of view. Barnes pulls up in his black sedan, followed by his driver in the delivery truck. Both get out of their respective vehicles)  
LUKE: There's Barnes, right on schedule.  
BO: (looking all around) Yeah, but I don't see where Ralph went.  
LUKE: Don't worry about Ralph. I figure he can take care of himself. Besides, If he's here, Maxwell's gotta be here too, watchin' the whole thing. If he sees Ralph in trouble, he'll come runnin'. Right now we just gotta get closer so, when the time comes, we can make our move.  
(Bo and Luke tiptoe closer to the still to get a better chance to sneak up on Barnes.)  
BALLADEER: Luke figured that if he and Bo was gonna have any shot at rescuein' Boss and Rosco, they was gonna have to sneak up on Barnes, so they started to move in closer.  
(Switch to Ralph crash-landing on the other side of the hill. He regains his balance, then disappears.)  
BALLADEER: Ralph had the same idea as Luke. Only, his way was a might easier. Y'all realize how much trouble it would save the Dukes if they had one of them fancy suits?  
(Switch to Uncle Jesse's truck pulling up next to the General Lee)  
BALLADEER: With the boys bein' so secretive about what Ralph and Bill wanted with them, and takin' off this mornin' without sayin' nuthin, Uncle Jesse and Daisy decided to follow 'em. And, even though the General had a pretty good head start on them, Uncle Jesse figured that, with all the talk about Boss Hogg's still yesterday, that was probably where they was headed.  
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, I don't see the boys around here anywhere...  
UNCLE JESSE: Well, the General Lee is here, so they can't be too far.  
(Unlce Jesse spots Boss Hogg talking to Barnes)  
UNCLE JESSE: But there's J.D. and Joe Barnes. I'm gonna go over there and see if I can talk some sense into him.  
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Luke sees Uncle Jesse approaching the still.)  
BO: Boy, Barnes sure is takin' his time makin' the deal with Boss. I can't imagine what's takin' him so long if all he's buyin' is a decoy.  
LUKE: That's the least of our worries right now. (nods to the right) Look over there. They must've followed us.  
(switch back to Uncle Jesse approaching the still)  
UNCLE JESSE: J.D., I gotta talk to ya. It's important. You're makin' a big mistake right now. You don't know what you're gettin' yourself into.  
BOSS HOGG: Jesse Duke?? What in tarnation are you doin' here?! Now you listen, this here's a private business transaction between me and my customer. Now, you just be on your way before I have Rosco arrest ya for tresspassin' on private property!  
UNCLE JESSE: Tresspassin' ?! On an illegal moonshine still?? J.D., I ain't goin' nowhere til you hear me out! Don't you find it the least bit peculiar that he's payin' you a hundred thousand dollars for one batch of shine??  
ROSCO: (interrupting) Y'see?! I tried to tell ya that, but you wouldn't listen!! Now look at the mess ya got us into! (Looks confused, at Uncle Jesse) What kind of a mess did he get us into?  
UNCLE JESSE: Barnes ain't interested in shine at all! He's just usin' as a decoy so he can smuggle illegal guns across the boarder!  
(Switch back to Bo and Luke wincing at Uncle Jesse revealing their knowledge)  
BALLADEER: Right about now, I'm bettin' the boys wish they had told Uncle Jesse and Daisy about Ralph and his magic suit. Cause right now, Barnes thinks that he and his lacky was the only ones that knew about their plan. So he thinks his lacky must've talked to somebody, and that somebody got the word back to Uncle Jesse. Friends, these shade tree deals do get complicated, don't they...  
(Switch back to Boss Hogg's shocked reaction)  
BOSS HOGG: Mr, Barnes, is that true??  
BARNES: (pulling a pistol out of his jacket) Alright, old man, I don't know how you found out about that....but you're about to regret that mouthful you just said!  
(Bo and Luke approach and move in to jump Barnes and his lacky)  
LUKE: Now, Bo!!  
(Bo and Luke leap into the air at Barnes and his driver. Barnes turns and fires his pistol. Scene freezes)  
BALLADEER: Now, I don't care how bad of a shot he is. At that close rang, there ain't no way he's gonna miss. I'm just afraid to look and see what it is he didn't miss....  
END ACT 3  
  
(Scene unfreezes. Barnes fires his gun as Bo and Luke fall on top of him and his lacky)  
UNCLE JESSE: (panicking) BOYS!!  
(Bo and Luke get up, unharmed.)  
(Boss Hogg, Rosco, and Uncle Jesse look in amazement)  
ROSCO: Jumpin' G. Hossifat! They ain't got a scratch on 'em!  
UNCLE JESSE: But that ain't possible. There ain't no way he coulda missed.  
(Barnes stands and takes aim at the group)  
UNCLE JESSE: WATCH IT!!  
(Barnes shoots, but no one is hurt)  
BOSS HOGG: That's the second time he missed like that. What in tarnation's goin' on here?!  
(Bo and Luke exchange glances)  
LUKE: Alright, Ralph, you might as well let 'em see ya.  
(Ralph appears and Barnes takes aim at him. Ralph covers his face with his arms. Barnes shoots until he is out of bullets. Ralph steps toward him, crushes his gun, and throws him over the roof of the truck.)  
UNCLE JESSE: Would ya look at that!  
BOSS HOGG: I ain't never seen anythin' like it!  
(Bill pulls up in his car just as Barnes' lacky pulls a gun on the group. Bill jumps out of his car and aims his gun at Barnes' Lacky)  
BILL: Freeze it, Jerk-o! FBI! You two are BUSTED!! Alright, Ralph, do your stuff. Relieve this gentleman of his gun, if you would be so kind...  
(Bill moves in closer as Ralph grabs the lacky's gun and crushes it. It falls to the ground next to Barnes' gun.)  
BILL: Uh, Ralph, all I asked you to do was take it away from him. You keep crushin' the evidence like that, I'm not gonna have any case. Think you could control yourself, please?  
RALPH: Sorry. But what are you doing up here already? I thought you were gonna wait until I called you in...  
BILL: Well, I heard the gunshots and figured you'd be done by the time I got up here, so I'd save us a little time. (Bill looks around at the group) But now that half the town's population has seen you in action, it looks like we're gonna be here a bit longer than we expected.  
(Daisy comes running up to the group)  
BALLADEER: Daisy had decided to stay by the General Lee, figurin' the boys might come back for their bows and arrows. But when she heard the gunshots, she came runnin' to make sure everybody was ok.  
BILL: Oh, terrific, here comes Ellie May. Now if we could just get the mechanic to show up, you could put on a show for the whole town.  
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, boys, are y'all alright??  
LUKE: We're all just fine, Daisy. We, uh...we had a little help.  
UNCLE JESSE: Mr. Hinkley, I ain't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but how in the world did you come away from havin' Barnes shoot atcha like that without a mark on ya? And what's with that fancy get-up you got on?  
RALPH: Well, uh...you see, Mr. duke...umm....  
BILL: Go ahead, Ralph. You might as well. Cause I got a feeling that, if you don't, the two farm boys will. Besides, if a bunch of rednecks won't believe a story about an alien encounter, who will...? And while you're doin' that, I'll just make sure the prisoners are nice and cozy in our back seat.  
(Bill handcuffs Barnes' lacky and brings him to the car while Ralph explains the suit to the group)  
BILL: Look, I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice that, unfortunately, most people don't tend to take. You didn't see my friend in the super longjohns. I got you two myself. Or ,if ya like, you can tell 'em that group of country bumpkins helped me out. But my friend had nothing to do with it. Trust me on this.  
(Barnes' lacky gives Bill a dirty look as he slams the door shut. Bill heads back toward the group as Ralph finishes explaining.)  
ROSCO: Are you kiddin' me?? Do you seriously expect us to believe that little aliens from Mars came down and *POOF* gave ya that fancy super suit?  
RALPH: Well, I don't think they're from Mars, but that's the jist of it, yeah.  
ROSCO: Oh, tiddly tuddly! I believe that about as much as I believe in the tooth fairy!  
BOSS HOGG: (looking skeptically ar Rosco)...Since when don't you believe in the tooth fairy?  
ROSCO: Since I found a cigar box full of my baby teeth in Mama's closet last week. I don't wanna talk about it (whimpers).  
RALPH: Well, I don't know what kind of an explanation you're looking for, but that's how it happened.  
UNCLE JESSE: (to Bo and Luke) Did you boys know about this?  
LUKE: We sure did. And, as much as it pained us to keep anything from either of ya, we promised Ralph and Bill we wouldn't tell nobody. You always raised us that a promise is a promise...  
UNCLE JESSE: Now, you two ain't got nuthin' to be sorry for. You gave your word and ya stuck by it. I'm proud of ya both for that.  
BILL: So, they didn't believe ya about the little green guys, huh Ralph? (raises his eyeborws) They must not be as dumb as I thought. Ah, well. I guess ya'd have to see it to believe it anyhow. Well, sheriff, I'm gonna go pick Barne's carcus up off the ground. Then, if you could meet me back at the court house so we can lock him and his croney up while I file all the paperwork and make all the phone calls, I'd really like to have this whole thing wrapped up by nightfall.  
RALPH: Hey, Bill, don't we need someone to drive Barne's delivery truck to the impound yard?  
LUKE: Actually, Ralph, the impound yard's on the other side of town from the court house. If yer gonna have this thing wrapped up by night time anyway, it might just be easier to drive it to the court house. Me and Bo'd be happy to help ya out.  
RALPH: What do you think, Bill?  
BILL: (skepticallly) You know I don't like bringin' civilians in on federal business, Ralph.  
(Bill gets irritated looks from Ralph and the boys)  
BILL: (defeated) Alright, fine. I'd rather have you with me, anyway, in case one of these two gets cocky.  
(Switch to the county court house an hour later. Bill's car and Barne's delivery truck are parked outside. Switch to inside, where Ralph and the boys are entering the booking room. Bill approaches)  
BALLADEER: About an hour later, Bill had Barnes and his lacky in custody, had called his boss out in California to tell him about the bust, and called the Atlanta FBI to have 'em come pick up the prisoners. And since the paperwork had been filed, and Barnes' truck had been officially commendeered as federal evidence, Bo and Luke were relieved of their truck-sittin' duties.  
BILL: (grinning) Well, Ralph, I just got through rubbin' Carlisle's nose in it. He sends me down here to sniff out a little moonshinin' and I end up puttin' the kiebosh on a major gun-smugglin' operation. Man, I love it when a caper ends like this! (to Bo and Luke) As for you two, I told my supervisor all about ya and all the help you both gave me crackin' this case. He asked me to extend the FBI's sincerest gratitude for everything you did.  
RALPH: Carlisle actually said that?  
LUKE: Shoot, after everything you kept sayin' about bringin' civilians in on a federal case, I woulda figured he'd chew ya out.  
BILL: (squirming a bit) Yeah, that's actually a more accurate assessment of what he said. I couldn't very well tell him about Ralph and the suit, but I also knew he wouldn't buy it if I told him I did this single-handed. That left you boys.  
BO: Well, it don't really matter what he said. What matters is, everything turned out ok.  
LUKE: Bo's right. We're just glad we could help.  
(Cletus enters and spots Ralph)  
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, I'm all done with my speed trap du....that's HIM! Cousin Boss, that's HIM!!  
(Boss Hogg comes out of his office)  
BOSS HOGG: Cletus, what in tarnation is all that shoutin' about?  
(Cletus approaches Boss Hogg and whispers in his ear)  
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, THAT'S the guy I was tellin' you about on the cb today. The guy I said was flyin' like Superman.  
BOSS HOGG: Flyin' like Superman?? Oh, for heaven's sake, are you still on that broken record?  
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, I'm tellin' ya, I seen that man fly with my own two eyes!  
BOSS HOGG: With your own two eyes, huh? I suppose you also saw him wearin' a red cape and bright blue tights like Superman, too, huh?  
CLETUS: Uh uh uh...I got a real good look at it through my binoculars. The cape was black, his tights were red, and there was this real wierd lookin' symbol on his chest. Kinda like a bird with holes in it's wings.  
LUKE: Hey, Boss, I think maybe you aughtta find a shadier spot for Cletus's speed trap duty. Sounds like he was in the sun a might too long today.  
RALPH: Actually, Luke, it sounds more to me like this poor guy could use a nice long vacation. What do you say, Mr. Hogg?  
BOSS HOGG: I say I think that sounds like a real good idea. Cletus, the Atlanta FBI will be here in just a little while to pick up them two prisoners we got locked up. After they go, you're hearby on vacation for the next two weeks.  
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw, two weeks vacation just like that? Shoot, I gotta see flyin' men more often!!  
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, you do that. As for the rest of us, let's go. It's time to call it a night. (patting his stomach) I'm late for dinner as it is.  
ROSCO: Oh, is THAT the growlin' noise I heard? Here I was blamin' Flash. CU CU!  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, would you hush up and get in your car, please?!  
LUKE: (To Ralph and Bill) Well, I guess this is goodbye. Sure was interestin' meetin' you two.  
RALPH: (shaking hands with Bo and Luke) I think I can safely say it was the same for us.  
BILL: I'll tell ya, when we first got here, I figured you guys were all gonna be as dumb as the animals on your farm. Ya proved me wrong and taught me a lesson....  
RALPH: (joking) Which isn't easy, belive me.  
BILL: That's right, Ralph, keep the jokes commin'. (starts to leave) Come on, let's get outta here.  
BALLADEER: Now, don't y'all go checkin' yer watches, thinkin' this one's wrappin' up a might early. Cause, friends, the Dukes is fixin' to have themselves a close encounter.  
(Everyone leaves the county court house and gets in their cars. Focus on Bo and Luke in the General Lee. The engine starts before Bo turns the key)  
LUKE: Hey, watch it, Bo. Ya crank it that fast, yer liable to kill the ignition.  
BO: (very wide-eyed) Luke, I didn't touch nuthin'. The General just started all by his self.  
LUKE: That ain't possible. (he leans over to look under the steering column) Ya musta tapped a loose wire under here or somethin'.  
(swtich to Rosco in his patrol car)  
ROSCO: Come on, Flash. It's time to go home and get us some din-din.  
(Rosco is startled by the doors locking themselves)  
ROSCO: (grinning) Would ya look at that...Cooter musta put in power locks last time he fixed my patrol car. CU CU! Alright, Flash, buckle up fer safety.  
(the seatbelts fasten themselves around Rosco and Flash)  
ROSCO: I ain't never heard of power seatbelts before. JEEJEE!!  
(the engine starts on it's own)  
ROSCO: (panicking) Now, Flash, there's nuthin' to be scared of. Daddy's patrol car just has a mind of it's own, that's all. WOOJEE!!  
(Switch to Boss Hogg's Cadillac.)  
BOSS HOGG: Sure is a might breezy out tonight. I think maybe I'll put the top up for the ride home.  
(Before Boss Hogg can push the button, the top rises and fastens itself in place over his head.)  
BOSS HOGG: Hmmm....button must have a hair-trigger on it.  
(The cadillac's engine starts. Boss Hogg just stares at it.)  
BOSS HOGG: I didn't touch nuthin' that time. What in tarnation's goin' on here??  
(Switch to Ralph and Bill's car)  
BILL: Alright, Ralph, I'll drive for the first six hours, then you take the wheel so I can get some shut-eye. I don't wanna stop for nuthin'. The quicker we get goin', the quicker we get home.  
(The car doors lock and the car engine starts by itself)  
BILL: What's goin' on?  
RALPH: What do you think is going on? What does it mean every time this starts happening?  
BILL: I know what it means when this happens. But I don't want it to mean that. I hate dealin' with the little green guys!  
RALPH: Yeah, well, we're a long way from Palmdale, too. And if they went through all the trouble to find us out here and approach us like this, it must be pretty important. So let's just go with it.  
BILL: Ralph, do me a favor and don't say it like we have a choice, huh?  
(Ralph and Bill's car pulls away, followed in immediate succussion by the General Lee, Boss Hogg's Cadillac, and Rosco's patrol car. Focus on Ralph and Bill. Ralph looks back, worried)  
RALPH: I wish we had a cb in here like they do in their cars, Bill, so we could tell them not to worry. I remember how we felt the first time this happened.  
(Switch to Bo and Luke)  
BO: Luke, the General's drivin' himself, here. Ya got any ideas?  
LUKE: (calming Bo down) You got any control over the General right now?  
BO: No.  
LUKE: You aim to bail out through the window at fifty-five miles an hour?  
BO: (shakes his head) Uh-uh.  
LUKE: Well, then, just sit back and enjoy the ride. We ain't alone, here. Let's just see where this little caravan ends up.  
(switch to Rosco in his car, panicking)  
ROSCO: Alright, car! This is your superior officer speakin'! Now, I'm orderin' you to PULL OVER!! I'm serious, now! (pause) It ain't gonna do it. Flash, it ain't gonna do it, darlin'. (Flash howls) I know it! JEEJEE!!  
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Bo realizes the path everyone seems to be on)  
BO: Hey, Luke, I just figured out where we're headed.  
LUKE: Took ya long enough. We've lived here our entire lives. You'd think you'd know the way back to the farm by now.  
BO: Well, dang it, Luke. It's pitch black out here. I can't hardly see where we're goin'!  
(as Bo speaks, the General's headlights turn on)  
BO: Luke, this just keeps gettin' creepier and creepier.  
(The parade of cars finally arrive at the Duke farm and park themselves side by side. Uncle Jesse and Daisy come runnin' out of the house.)  
UNCLE JESSE: Boys, what's goin' on? What in blazes in everyone doin' back here at this hour??  
(Ralph addresses the group from he and Bill's car)  
RALPH: Listen, everyone just stay calm. There's nothing to be afraid of. If what I think is about to happen IS about to happen, all of your questions about me, Bill, and my suit will be answered in just a few minutes.  
(Luke spots a circle of light in the sky that appears to be getting closer and closer)  
LUKE: Bo...(nods toward the sky)  
(Bo spots the cirle of light getting even closer)  
BO: Aw, Luke, what in the heck is that?!  
LUKE: You remember when Ralph told us where he got his suit?  
BO: ....Yeah...  
LUKE: Looks like we got visitors.  
(Suddenly, the General Lee's radio turns on by itself and the dial starts moving between stations. It stops at stations saying certain words to form a message to Bo and Luke.)  
RADIO: You.....will...not...be....harmed.  
(quick shots of Rosco and Boss Hogg in their cars. They are staring at their radios, making it obvious they are getting the same message.)  
BALLADEER: Now, friends, how do ya like THAT for a sight? Shoot, I never knew the general's radio worked!  
(The spaceship has now made it's full approach and hovers over the Duke farm. Bo and Luke climb halfway out of the General's windows and sit on the doors. Uncle Jesse and Daisy approach.)  
UNCLE JESSE: Well waddaya think of that....Ralph wasn't kiddin' about them spacemen after all.  
DAISY: Waddaya y'all think is gonna happen?  
LUKE: I ain't never talked with aliens before. Your guess is as good as mine.  
BO: Hey, y'all, the radio's goin' haywire again.  
RADIO: Your...help...will.....be........rewarded.  
BO: Help? What help? All we did was lead 'em to Boss Hogg. Shoot, that ain't hardly nuthin'.  
LUKE: Maybe not by our standards. But apparently....(raises eyebrows and nods toward spaceship)  
(switch to Ralph and Bill. Bill taps on the car radio.)  
BILL: Hey, what's goin' on here? Howcome they're not talkin' to us? What are they sayin' to them?  
(just then, the radio turns on and the dial moves between stations)  
RADIO: You...have....done...well. ....Some...will....remember.....some...will........not...  
BILL: "Some will remember, some will not"? What does THAT mean??  
RALPH: You really are unbelievable. Ten minutes ago, you hated dealing with the little green guys. Now you're hanging on their every word. Anyway, I think I know what it means. But we're just going to have to sit here and see what happens before we'll know for sure.  
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. The General's engine starts by itself again. Bo and Luke get back in.)  
BO: Luke, the General just started up on his own again....  
LUKE: (nods with a blank look on his face) Yup.  
BO: So, why the heck did we get back IN??  
(The General Lee goes into reverse gear and moves away from the rest of the group. Switch to quick shots of Rosco and Boss Hogg's cars. Rosco's doors unlock, Boss Hogg's roof retracts and his doors unlock. The both get out of their cars. Uncle Jesse and Daisy run to the General Lee)  
UNCLE JESSE: You boys alright?  
BO: Yeah, I think so.  
LUKE: A little shook up, but fine otherwise.  
(Switch back to Boss Hogg and Rosco. They are now standing side by side)  
ROSCO: Boss, is that what I think it is? Is that a flyin' saucer??  
BOSS HOGG: Well, it sure ain't a crop duster! OF COURSE it's a flyin' saucer! What else could it possibly be??  
(Switch to a shot of the spaceship. The center slowly starts to glow white, then Boss Hogg and Rosco are bathed in a flash of bright white light. Both stand in place with blank expressions on the faces. Switch back to Ralph and Bill)  
BILL: What's goin' on? what did they just do to them?  
RALPH: Just what I thought they would do. They erased their memories. Those two may remember you and me, but I doubt they'll remember the suit or any of this.  
(Ralph and Bill's doors unlock and they get out of their car. The spaceship slowly ascends into the night sky. Switch back to the Dukes.)  
UNCLE JESSE: What do ya figure that ship just did to J.D. and Rosco?  
LUKE: I ain't got the slightest idea.  
(Switch back to a shot of the spaceship, now several miles up in the sky. Suddenly, it stands still in the air and then shoots off into space. Switch to a shot of Boss Hogg and Rosco coming out of their trance. Ralph and Bill approach the Dukes.)  
RALPH: Everybody ok?  
LUKE: Yeah, we're fine. But we better go check on Boss and Rosco.  
RALPH: That's why we came over here. They're fine. The thing is, though, they don't remember any of this. The bright light that came down erased their memories.  
BO: So, howcome nuthin' happened to us?  
BILL: Well, those are some pretty sharp little green guys. I think they've been keepin' tabs on us since they gave us the suit. They probably saw that you boys helped us out here, and that those two would be nuthin' but trouble if they remembered anything.  
LUKE: that must be what that radio message meant. It said we would be rewarded. They must'a meant that we'd remember all this, even though Boss and Rosco don't.  
UNCLE JESSE: Uh, speakin' of which, I think maybe we better get over to them before they start askin' questions.  
(The groups approaches Boss Hogg and Rosco)  
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, what in tarnation are we doin' out here at the Duke farm at this hour?  
UNCLE JESSE: We was just askin' ourselves that very same question, J.D. You and Rosco got yerselves some explainin' to do.  
BOSS HOGG: (shaking his head) Uh uh uh, if anybody's got explainin' to do around here, it's you Dukes! Like how you managed to get Rosco and me out here without us rememberin' goin' anyplace.  
BO: Well, Boss, if we got you out here, howcome you and Rosco's cars are both here?  
BOSS HOGG: Why are our cars here? I'll tell ya why they're here!  
ROSCO: That's right, he'll tell you why they're here!  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, would you hush up, please! They're here because Jesse and Daisy drove 'em here to throw us off while you boys brought us here in that dang-blasted General Lee!  
LUKE: Uh, Boss, no offense but we can barely get your plump little carcus through the window when you're helpin' us. Doin' it with you outcold would be dang near impossible.  
BOSS HOGG: Uh uh uh...you Dukes ain't gonna smooth talk your way outta this one. That's two counts of grand theft auto on top'a kidnappin' TWO county officials! And them's FEDERAL offenses. Which means I'll be turning you all over to the Atlanta FBI!  
BILL: Not so fast, there, commisioner.  
BOSS HOGG: Who in tarnation are you?  
BILL: (Flashing his badge) Bill Maxwell, FBI outta Los Angelas. These folks have been with us all day. Matter of fact, they just helped us put a major gun-smugglin' operation outta business. Fella by the name of Joe Barnes.  
ROSCO: Joe Barnes? Boss, ain't that the guy you....  
BOSS HOGG: (silencing Rosco) Dut dut dut dut. (to Bill) Joe Barnes, huh? Ain't that strange. I had heard he was into moonshine deals.  
RALPH: Well, he was, sort of. The moonshine was really just a decoy in case he got caught crossing the boarder into Mexico.  
  
BOSS HOGG: Oh my, what a clever decoy. Uh...but I sure am glad you gentlemen, and you too, Bo and Luke, managed to apprehend him.  
BILL: As a matter of fact, he's still sittin' back in your jail. Your deputy is watchin' him and his lacky by himself until the Atlanta FBI shows up. You might wanna get back there in case he has any trouble.  
BOSS HOGG: Oh, yes, I think the sheriff and I will do just that. Thanks you very much for all you done, Mr. Maxwell. (tips hat) A very good night to all. (very serious) Come on, Rosco.  
BALLADEER: Knowin' that he was about to loose out on that hundred thousand dollar moonshine deal made Boss plum forget about mysteriously endin' up at the Dukes. Sort of ironic, ain't it...  
(Boss Hogg and Rosco get into their cars and leave)  
BILL: (to Bo and Luke) I gotta hand it to you two, you come up with allibies quicker than some professional hitmen I've met.  
LUKE: Well, ya sorta get used to it livin' around here.  
UNCLE JESSE: Listen Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Hinkley...it's gettin' pretty late. Why don't you two spend the night in the guest room and you can get on the road right after breakfast tomorrow mornin'.  
RALPH: Waddaya say, Bill? Doesn't sound like a bad idea. To tell you the truth, I really don't feel much like traveling tonight.  
BILL: Uh....yeah, why not. Sounds like a good idea.  
UNCLE JESSE: Alright, then, it's settled. We'll get the guest bedroom all set up for ya.  
(The group walks toward the house. Ralph notices Bill squinting to try to see around the farm in the dark.)  
RALPH: What are you looking for, Bill?  
BILL: The stripped junk car propped up on cinder blocks. There's one on all these farms.  
RALPH: I give up, Bill. (shakes his head and raises his arms) I give up.  
(Switch back to the county court house as the Balladeer wraps up the story.)  
BALLADEER: Now, if y'all are wonderin' why them aliens didn't make Cletus forget about Ralph and his suit, they had been keepin' an eye on Hazzard the whole time Ralph nd Bill were there. After watchin' ol' Cletus for a while, they realized if Cletus told you about a man in red tights that flew...would YOU believe him? Unfortunately for Cletus, Boss and Rosco had forgotten everything that happened that day....includin' givin' him two weeks vacation. But the hardest part for Boss was knowin' that all the shine he'd made for Joe Barnes was now locked up in his truck that had been commandeered for evidence. Which meant he couldn't make a dime off it.  
(We see a shot of Boss Hogg leaning over the booking table, weaping into his hands. Rosco is patting him on the back. Cletus has an angry expression on his face about loosing his two weeks vacation. Fade to the Duke farm the next morning.)  
BALLADEER: And the next mornin' after breakfast, Ralph and Bill was ready to hit the road.  
(Ralph and Bill shake hands with all the Dukes)  
RALPH: Listen, I'd really like to thank you folks for all your hospitality.  
LUKE: Don't mention it. We was just glad we was able to help out.  
(Bo notices Ralph is wearing the suit under his clothes)  
BO: Uh, Ralph, I doubt you'll run into any trouble leavin' town. I think it's safe to take your suit off for a while.  
RALPH: Well, Bo, it's not trouble leaving town I'm worried about. It's the ride cross-country. The way Bill likes to wave his badge in people's faces, he brings new meaning to the word "flasher".  
(the Dukes laugh)  
BILL: Ok, Ralph, that's enough jokes for one caper. Come on, we gotta get goin'. Carlisle's gonna bite my head off as it is when we get back.   
RALPH: You folks take care.  
(Ralph and Bill get in their car and drive away. The Dukes wave)  
scene freezes  
BLLADEER: Y'all realize it's only 8 o'clock in Hazzard? The Dukes got all day to get themselves into another mess. Shoot. I'd kinda like to stick around and see if they can top this one.  
  
THE END 


End file.
